Capture

every second for the last two days
ive felt utterly useless
my heart is breaking and i dont know why
no girl issue
just me alone with no friends.
no friends to hang with or have a pizza party with
im alone again.
no one will read this.
but i used to love waking up every morning
every day was a thrill
now im at home
im empty and cold
not saying the lord isnt there with me
but i feel like this a period of my life where i start looking for myself
and i think im gonna start this journey with myself alone.

http://jesusonthego.tumblr.com/


peace northwest.

im leaving in like 2 weeks to go to california.
i love everyone here but its time for me to start a new. im going on tour with no bragging rights from mid september til mid november. then im gonna try to keep going on tour. goal for next year is to be gone for 9 out of 12 months. i hope. im probably gonna move out with bryce in centralia still but a 2 bedroom house.

and o yeah, stuff with the girl didnt work out.

about this time, i will be 20. i see that as the end of my teenage years.

in the last year,ive put many things on hold.
school and friendships.
anyone who knows me knows that i love the road, i love music and i love learning.

i will one day go back to school.

in september, i will embark on a 3 month tour across the united states with no bragging rights.

i will be filming the documentary for them to see how life on the road is.

and i think i like a girl.
but i dont know if i will date her

ive put so many girls in messes they shouldnt of been.
but things happen for a reason but i dont wanna mess up anymore.

so like a basic 4 year hiatus of me with girls, this may be a girl id like to date?
but im super cautious.

i dont know.
these things are never simple for me

especially since i havent really liked a girl in a year.

Job 10

1 "I loathe my very life;
therefore I will give free rein to my complaint
and speak out in the bitterness of my soul.

2 I will say to God: Do not condemn me,
but tell me what charges you have against me.

3 Does it please you to oppress me,
to spurn the work of your hands,
while you smile on the schemes of the wicked?

4 Do you have eyes of flesh?
Do you see as a mortal sees?

5 Are your days like those of a mortal
or your years like those of a man,

6 that you must search out my faults
and probe after my sin-

7 though you know that I am not guilty
and that no one can rescue me from your hand?

8 "Your hands shaped me and made me.
Will you now turn and destroy me?

9 Remember that you molded me like clay.
Will you now turn me to dust again?

10 Did you not pour me out like milk
and curdle me like cheese,

11 clothe me with skin and flesh
and knit me together with bones and sinews?

12 You gave me life and showed me kindness,
and in your providence watched over my spirit.

13 "But this is what you concealed in your heart,
and I know that this was in your mind:

14 If I sinned, you would be watching me
and would not let my offense go unpunished.

15 If I am guilty—woe to me!
Even if I am innocent, I cannot lift my head,
for I am full of shame
and drowned in [a] my affliction.

16 If I hold my head high, you stalk me like a lion
and again display your awesome power against me.

17 You bring new witnesses against me
and increase your anger toward me;
your forces come against me wave upon wave.

18 "Why then did you bring me out of the womb?
I wish I had died before any eye saw me.

19 If only I had never come into being,
or had been carried straight from the womb to the grave!

20 Are not my few days almost over?
Turn away from me so I can have a moment's joy

21 before I go to the place of no return,
to the land of gloom and deep shadow, [b]

22 to the land of deepest night,
of deep shadow and disorder,
where even the light is like darkness."

no girls i like
random girls are attracted to me
i dont care
its awkward
from the preppy outgoing girl
to the awkward fastpitch girl.

im busy with shows
im gonna start doing drug studies
im leaving in september to start my film making career
hello the road.

im gone for like 3 months.
every night, different cities,different shows.
stoked.

my weight has been the same for 4 years.
i should change that.
i cut my hair off.
i have kittys.
new mars volta is great
a lot of good albums are out this year.
i love canoeing.
might move to olympia in january.
i should get my license but we will see after i hit the road
centralia 16% unemployment rate! for the win.
phone sucks
getting a new one tomorrow

no one cares
but i love you whoever reads this
still depressed,four years.

im dead.

at the drive in (i hope) may reunite.

ive never felt so numb
i dont think i have ever felt true legit feelings for a gal in the last 2 years or so.

i dont get butterflies anymore
i feel like me being content was just normal
but now i know, i feel like ive just given up on love.
no one reads this.

whoever wrote jesus martinez is a cunt at the big room aka the loft
go fuck yourself
not because i care that you think i'm a cunt
but that shit could increase the rent price.

I know now that who I am is better than who I used to be.
If this is all I am, then so be it, this is all I can be.
I know now that who I am is better than who I used to be.
If this is all I am, then so be it, this is all I can be.
All I can be.

so my life is good
i never say that
ive been super busy with photography www.flickr.com/jesustakespictures
i bought a 50mm/f1.8 lens with the profit i made from the show
120 bucks
such a deal
i took that and i believe my photography is getting better.
i wish i would of hung out with liz but i had to do lights for a band at the last second
the girl update, its going, im not gonns rush anything. i think if i get this job at safeway and start doing more shows and photography that my life will get super busy
im going on tour this summer, june 10th til like july 1st with turned up missing.
im gonna be 19 in St. George,Utah, woot!?
idk, im stoked to be gone for a while.
ive also been working on my webzine alot ... www.thisisournoise.blogspot.com
bands seem stoked about it.
i hope i get the student/work project at centralia college because i need college and im super broke so it will work.
and my faith is well in tact. im never been so full of joy in life.
ive been working out/jogging a lot still
and the only downsideto my life is that my aunt died two weeks ago and my mom is sad by it,i wish i could help but i know its gonna take a while. so i just do more chores than i usually do.
but i think ever since i knew my aunt wasnt well, i started creating better relationships with my brothers. i think we are closer than ever.

well ,i gotta be in 5 hours to hang with kofi.

im a fucking idiot.

ive had so many legit gals like me.
yet
im here,alone

i have a legit girl who likes me right now, lets hope i dont mess up.

Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.

Phillipians 3:13,14

im going to apply for Evergreen State College and this is a scary thing
i'm afraid im not gonna have any friends
im afraid im gonna be alone

but its just for education, right?

anyway, its close to home and the venue will be near by.

i got to figure out how to do taxes when you are a small business
and i got to figure how to take my SATs

i should of done it in high school.

for the first time in my life, i don't wanna fail but i feel like i will.
but god is weird, he will give me the signs to find what it is i belong to.

i can't find a reason a girl should like me
im just the friend
i really am
the true only legit girls to think i was "love"
are long gone and happy.

i need to find something more.
lately religion is what im following.
and im thinking of becoming a priest.

focus my life on god.

frankly
when people say youll find someone
frankly
i dont believe it
i mean frankly, can you imagine with any girl

i've been recently trying to start a venue
its 1400

yet every time i give people the chance to donate.
they dont.

it makes me wonder if it would even be worth it to start a venue.

lately i just feel like not even booking anymore and just doing photojournalism and starting a zine.

im losing hope.


sorry if anyone cares.

i applied for evergreen and some other colleges.

i hope i get in somewhere

im ready to move on.

god is love.
psalm 13
" 1 How long, O LORD ? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?

2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?

3 Look on me and answer, O LORD my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;

4 my enemy will say, "I have overcome him,"
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

5 But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation"

if most of you dont know
i've declared myself saved?
idk
after many regrets
i find the mistakes i've made with girls
to fill this void
can be filled with god
now trying to find myself to fit his standards will be hard
but i will be true to myself and find my new way besides him.i know this guilt cant kill me any longer.
i bet many of you are shock by me becoming basically a christian.
but frankly, i feel great inside. the best since before 8th grade.
before i cared too much about girls.

now will i preach on you, no, not at all. i love you for who you are if we are friends.
i will still curse even tho im cutting back but its a habit
i'm only man. not perfect. just a sinner.

god is intersting.

3 years ago

me and james knopfler went to a show in vancouver,washington at the signal

we went for fallstar and a new band in the scene called a hope for home

a year later they played their first actual tour date with from aphony at the hub city club at one of the first hub city shows
and we kind of became good friends since then

i did merch for them at warped tour 2008

a couple of months they got signed. to strike first records, a branch of facedown

they made this


now they are playing facedown fest 2009 in california this spring

its funny to think these guys played my garage

and in the next following months they will be playing to crowds over 300

but this will remain one of the best house shows ever

yup

o man

i love life.
so much right now.
today i have my trial run with my venue, i hope it works.
so busy with managing a band and starting a venue, its what i love

repost from myspace


"The beginning of the year, I was a senior, I had plans to be going to college and probably not doing shows. Basically trying to be with any girl who would at least kiss me. I was planning to move to Portland. Who knew this would be the year i would grow up the most.

Let's start from now to then.
Right Now I'm planning to open a venue which i got from my Father from Christmas. i will have to pay him back but frankly, its in YARDBIRDS if all goes as planned. and I will be naming it "THE ELECTRIC CHAIR" a homage to Kylee(the guy who used to run the old school electric chair in Downtown Centralia in the early 2000 who booked Punk Bands and touring bands such as "This Bike is A Pipe Bomb".). Anyone who said I would be using the money from my own benefit, well here you go, a big F.U.

I dropped out of college basically to do this, not because i feel i need to do it. I love music, and life wasn't looking so hot when it came to this college thing due to my financial aid, my dad asked me , do you want the venue or your college paid for. I said venue. I could always go back to college and be the anthro/history major i wanna be someday but today, im still young and i got no real responsibilities. I want the venue to be not just mine but ours, a place where parents can feel safe with their kids there and everyone having a good ol time supporting local music and touring bands. that is all. if everything goes right, which i pray, i should be doing shows asap, hopefully by late january/mid february at the latest. This being said, with gas being low right now and rent being cheap, i might even do some $3 dollars show if make the rent money in some shows, in a sign of respect for people supporting the scene.

I just got off touring 3 weeks ago or so with my friends in Turned Up Missing and Goodnight Sunrise which was amazing tour, i met alot of people who i wish to see again. i love everyone in both of those bands, i love the music, its super fun, i cant wait to tour again with Turned Up Missing.

I'm currently working for Burning Twilight and I'm gonna work on getting more legit shows and getting a better fanbase. listen to them, they are amazing musicians,amazing dudes and i hope we can tour in Spring.

My life has never been great with girls, I've screwed up many things with probably the most amazing ladies but everything happens for a reason. I used to be a "whore" basically and now im just like, i dont wanna be that guy. i haven't had a real steady partner since Sophomore year and i want one. frankly, i dont wanna be a one night stand, i want more.

Photography has actually really improved for me this year, i think ive improved so much faster.

I miss high school. mainly hanging out with friends that i really dont hang with outside of school. im glad i got to walk with James, after eddy, i was scared i would of have to walk alone.

to things i loved about this year: my entire family,finding god,the hub city club, blessed by falling, a hope for home,rattlesnake renegade,tacos el rey,a hope for home letting me tag along with during tomfest/warped tour,metting people in bands at warped tour,the welcome home,inked in blood,something about airplanes,safeguard,aspen,every show i went to, every new friend i made, touring with turned up missing,the roe,rattlesnake,and goodnight sunrise. hanging out at the viaduct! ,graduating, senior year, my fall quarter at Centralia College, My radio show, thrice live! circa survive live! Meeting Claire from Alabama!Being loud at the movies with Matthew Mehi, Social Problems with Kelsey,Rick,and Colton,Talking to Shelby about dating her mom,damnit, i have lived this year! i dont knwo what else, a lot of things were good!

things i dont want to experience again: losing a venue again,being a whore, bad coffee from starbucks,not being able to get credit for my quarter at CC.

people i love and had a blast with this year: gabriela gonzalez-martinez,rafael martinez,manny fresh (smokey) martinez,julian avilia-gonzalez,jeffey martinez,james d. knopfler,will smith,abram gardipee,Kofi Adjepong,Andrew Tayne,Kevin Hart,caleb ladd,keelan o'hara,michael porter,matthew paul mehi,rick eaton,william synder,zachary lyons,mark mchugh,cameron mcgee,justin jay hamilton,Jarod Shannon,colton,james hamilton,daniel baker,marcus mckenzie,marc hamilton, claire marie carson,shelby allison,matt ellis,nathan winchell,tanner morita,dan mccall,eric gerrard,ian vidovic,andrew enchilada,DANG!Dillon!,Posi Nick!,Bell O'Dell!,andy orsow,chase danielle,benny brutal/bagels,statutory rafe,nick welsh,luke b!,emily,lee parks, Nicka Sisouphanh,Nick Berg, Kasja,Eric,Sammy Swiss,Dannie Doughnutz,Jamba Judd,Margarita Mix Mike,Barack Obama,Mahouney!,Mikey,Tyler, Byron,Mackenize Peterson,Liz Baron,Cherise Fox,Kat Johnson,Randi and Her Camera,Sylver,Maggie H,Kahri Haines,Chantal G.Kirby,Jordan D. Betram,Ember Duvall,Kelsey Stemkoski,BROZHE!,Wade Fischer,Van Alstine,Action Rick,DPG,KYLEE!Olympia Emily!gahhhh so many people! so many people, i love you all."

top ten albums of 08
10."Feed The Animal"-Girl Talk
9."Self Titled"-Dance Gavin Dance
8."Bring me Your Love"-City and Colour
7."In Rainbows"-Radiohead
6."Lost in the Sound of Separation"-Underoath
5."Only by The Night"-Kings of Leon
4."Avalon"-Anthony Green
3."Bedlam in Goliath"-The Mars Volta
2."West Texas"-Sleepercar
1."The Everlasting Man"-A Hope for Home

what i did this year?

pros:
hmmmm.
i got my piercings.
graduated.
went to college.
improved my photography skills.
got my dream glasses.
had really good shows.
went on tour. 4 times.
went to warped tour.
fell for god.
met claire from alabama

cons:
dropped out of college.
lost the hub city club twice.
didn't have a legit girl.
gain some weight.
didnt get taller.
didnt grow a beard.

SETTING MY GOALS!:
Have a legit venue(note, i should be making a down payment for my venue on january 1st.)
become a legit manager for bands.
make profit enough to pay myself for my venue.
bring back centralia's music scene.
go to taste of chaos
go to warped tour
grow a beard.
buy legit gear for my camera.
go back to college in fall.
lose weight.
be in my own band.

frankly.
life is so optimistic
i just got done doing a three day tour thingy with Burning Twilight and that was fun
the guys are beginning to get the feel for me as the manager.
im working on merch and we should be doing promos before our show in oly on december 30th
my parents are awesome. they believe in me and im glad

let the world change you, then change the world.

i miss it
so much
it was different

im waiting for it to come back
it will be great